Little Red's Back!!!

A Minor Setback

Today the play suffered a bit of a setback when my 'apartment' caught fire and every copy of the manuscript was destroyed, along with my computer which had the only other copy apart from a CD, (which melted during the fire.) So now I have to rewrite the play from scratch which is going to be a bit of a problem since a recent blow to the head has caused me temporary amnesia. A serious head injury isn't going to prevent me from writing my play, but it's not going to prevent me writing nmy play. I know there are a lot of people out there who would like to see me give up, but the word 'can't' isn't in my vocabulary, or at least, it won't  be in a couple of minutes, such is the fickle nature of temporary amnesia.
Speaking of amnesia, I painted my new apartment yesterday and found a dollar in the street on the way to the store.

Disgusting.

The title says it all really. I just discovered this new fad among members of my profession and I have to say that I am quite shocked. CLick on the link below at risk of offending both your personal taste and Christianity.

Disgusting.

Back from Florida

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I just got back from a 10 day trip to Florida. Billy thought I was crazy because, in his words, 'It's so f---ing hot there during the summer.' (He uses a lot of profanity.) As if I didn't know it was hot down there, I'm not going there to ski or anything. Anyway, I had a great time and got to take my nieces and nephew down to Disney World. Clarice, Amy, Tucker and I had a great time going on all the rides and eating cotton candy. It was really fun. One minor disappointment was that we went on a Friday and it turns out that Disney has introduced a casual Friday policy so all of the park employees were casual;ly dressed. Nevertheless we had a wonderful time and took some great pictures.

Here is Clarice with Mickey and Minnie outside the Magic Kingdom

This is Amy with Mowgli from the Jungle Book

And This is Tucker with Goofy (his favorite)

New Lead Actress

Yesterday started with a bit of a shock when Billy called to say that our lead actress could no longer continue to perform. She apparently took to much of something called 'crystal meth' and now she is suffering from what is known in the medical trade as a 'coma.'
Sure enough this turned to be a blessing in disguise as we were able to find a replacement with just one call to a casting director So now we have a big name actress in the role of Margaret, Priscilla Barnes, who played Terri on Three's Cmpany. She will bring a lot to the role and I'm really looking forward to working with her. What's really interesting about her is that she's actually got a man's genitals, which is something youd on't expect to see in such an attractive lady. Oh well, the show must go on...

Dennis Miller Joins the Cast

Great, great, fantastic news today. Billy has managed to convince Dennis Miller, formerly of Weekend Update, to play the lead in my play. It was such a thrill meeting him yesterday and I can't wait to start proper rehearsals. It almost makes the debacle of the last few days worth it. Dennis is a great guy and has many of the same political beliefs as I do. He said 'There's three things you should know about me. Number One, I'm a big supporter of President Bush. Number Two, I like to eat a cheeseburger every day. And Number Three, I like to finger small children." "I'm just kidding," he quickly added, "I don't really eat that many cheeseburgers."
That, I think, was his idea of a joke. He did a fantastic job with the sides he read as well, transforming it into something I had only begun to visualize. I know the rehearsal tomorrow will be brilliant.

The First Rehearsal

Yesterday we had our first rehearsal for the reading. I don't mind telling you that it did not go exactly to plan. I get very, very, very nervous when I think about the fact that the reading is only two weeks away, so I just don't think about it, which works well for me. The initial stumbling block we faced at the rehearsal was that I was the only one who was on time (punctuality is very important to me.) I showed up at the rehearsal room at exactly 11am even though I had difficulty finding the place, because the building we chose to hold the rehearsals in had been condemned by the city and we 'technically' weren't supposed to be there. This was another of Billy's great ideas, in his words, 'why pay for a rehearsal room, when you can use a crack-whorehouse?' I'm not sure what he meant by that, but anything that's free is good for me, I'm trying to produce this play for as little money as possible.
Anyway, I was going through my latest draft when all of a sudden this fellow who looked like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenneger and Charles Manson bursts in to the door and shouts 'Where the f is Billy?' (he didn't actually say 'f', he said the real word, but it's not a word that, as a good Christian, I like to use.) I said 'he hasn't arrived yet, but I'm expecting him at any moment.' He said 'Well, you can give him this from Big Al.' Next thing I know he punches me in the face and that was the last thing I remember before waking up two hours later. When I did wake up all I could do was lie there. Clarly Big Al had not finished with the punch and must have kicked me a few times when I was passed out, like one of those psychopaths in the movies. Boy did my testicles hurt. They still do, in fact. So, I lay there for a couple of hours when Billy and the rest of the cast finally turn up.
There is an old show business expression, some of you may have heard it, which goes like this 'The show must go on.' Well, I wasn't going to let the fact that I was lying dazed in a puddle of my own urine and blood, stop me from doing the reading, especially since no one seemed to notice. It was difficult for me and what made it worse was that I had to read the role of the lead character after it was revealed that Hank, the actor we had hired, didn't know how to read. He didn't know that there was reading involved when he agreed to take on the role. To be fair, he's never done a play reading before and how could a complete amateur know that a reading required a lot of reading? The reading was going well with me in the lead role until right at the end of act two when I passed out and shat myself (though not in that order.) We've got another ehearsal scheduled tomorrow, and I feel confident that that one will be even better.

Back on the Streets

Sorry I haven't updated the blog in a few days but I've been unable to make any entries, due to various unfortunate events. On Friday night I went out to get a can of grape soda and a package of Twinkies, when I was accosted by two undercover policemen who said they suspected me of carrying an explosive device. I should explain. Whe I moved to New York, the only place I could find at a price I could afford is the place which I currently share with a great guy named Duncan, who is a security guard at the Ground Zero site. In fact, our apartement is in a trailer that is located on the Ground Zero site.
Anyway, these two police officers said they were following up on intelligence they received that said someone was going to blow up the Grounhd Zero site. They told me they would have to give me an internal cavity search. I thought it was strange that they wanted to do it on the street, and I didn't realize that it involved a serving spoon, but I wanted to cooperate as I feel that policemen should always be cooperated with. They poked nad prodded and of course found nothing
Something rather inexplicable happened after the two policeman left me there on the street. I was removing the spoon from my rectum when a police car pulled up with two uniformed officers and I was arrested for rude behavior. They did not believe my story about the two undercover officers and thought I was walking around with a serving spoon up my a-hole just for fun. I kept trying to convince them but they just called me names like 'pervert', 'fucking idiot', 'spoon-ass' and 'dickhead.' In fact they pretty much settled on 'dickhead', and they threw me into a cell, where I sat until Monday morning when I was brought up before a judge who gave me a $500 fine for lewd behavior. I told him how the policemen called me dickhead, and he just said' can you blame them?' So all in all I think I got some pretty unfair treatment from the police, but I don't hold it against the because you just don't know who is a terrorist and a pervert and if I have to have a few rights violated and a few things stuck in orifices, well that's just the price we pay for living in a free society.

Work, work, work!

Today I went to lunch with Billy B. to discuss casting. I was hungry for a really good burger, so it was quite fortunate that the meeting was scheduled at McDonalds. Billy hangs out at McDonalds a lot and seems to know everyone who comes in there. In fact, he actually picks up a little money here and there selling vitamins and homeopathic powders to many of the regulars at McDonalds. I say 'a little money' but to be honest there must have been at least $500 changing hands in the hour I was there. We also managed to find an actor to read the lead role in our upcoming reading. I'm really excited about him, because he does bear an uncanny resemblence to John Logie Baird. His name is Hank and, well, he was a very interesting dresser, I can tell you that. I had never seen a pair of Pokemon flip-flops before and thought they went really well with his NRA T-shirt and ripped jeans. The jeans were interesting because they didn't have the rips in the knees as you would have expected, rather, they had one huge rip in the crotch area. I probably would have been embarrassed with my testicles hanging out the way his were but I'm sure he was keeping cool, and on a hot summer day that's really important. In return for him doing the reading Billy gave Hank one of the bags of powder for free, which makes me think we are really ahead of the game with a financial whiz like Billy. Who else could find so many people willing to barter. The rest of the meeting was uneventful until I found a fingernail in my Big Mac. The cast of the reading is coming over to my apartment tomorrow so I hurried home to clean.

More later....

Michael Moore and his lies

Since I didn't have any meetings today I decided to go see Farenheit 911. I had read a pamphlet from my church group which described how Moore was a satanic figure who is pathologically incapable of telling the truth and is interested in burning alive all the Christians on the planet. I was glad to have read this, so I could go into the movie and view it from a non-biased open-minded perspective. It was interesting to see the reaction of the audience members. People were actually laughing when President Bush made his 'fool me once' speech, like he was getting it wrong or something. I've heard that expression before and while he may have not gotten it word for word, the essence and the meaning was still there, and he is clearly an intelligent man.

I found the following glaring oversights in the movie:

1. My Pet Goat was referred to as a 'children's book.' That this fine work of allegorical fiction should be referred to as a 'children's book' is absolutely ridiculous. It is a modern day morality play with something to offer the reader of any age. I would suggest that people of all ages go out and buy this book tomorrow. I have both hardcover and paperback copies of the book, I loved it so much. (Warning: I once came across the opportunity to purchase a video called My Pet Goat and it was not a dramatization of the book as I had hoped. It was a grainy Swedish film shot in the 70's, of which the less said about the better.)

2. Moore claims that being the son of the President helped George W. Bush get elected. That is totally untrue. I voted for him and I had never heard of his father. The first President Bush ran a very low-key Presidency and over 99% of Americans when asked had not heard of him. In fact, in 1991, I was considered more famous than President Bush.

3. Moore claims that the U.S. invaded Iraq. Again, totally untrue. Our soldiers were merely hanging out in Iraq minding their own business and were forced into combat by the actions of terrorists on the ground. If the Iraqis had just had the simple manners to kill themselves as soon as the Americans arrived, the war could totally have been preventable.

4. Michael Moore claims that a guy named Ben Laden was behind the destruction of the World Trade Center. Another insane fabrication. The day of the bombings, Jerry Falwell went on TV and said explicitly that the ACLU and liberal groups were behinfd the bombings. What greater authority do you need?

There were other things that bothered me about the movie, especiallly the way Republicans were made to look like stupid war mongers, just because they have low IQ's and like to attack other countries. Michael Moore is the idiot because he thinks that things have to be logical and make sense but sometimes life doesn't work out like that. All in all, this was the worst movie I've seen since Spiderman 2.

Sorry for that political outburst, but the film really angered me, not as much as Spiderman 2 (a bunch of liberal nonsense), but it angered me.

From now on I'll keep the politics at home.

God bless us all.l

Stanley

Meeting with Lead Actress

Today Billy and I auditioned actors for the reading of the play. I thought we should take out an ad in Hollywood Reporter but he said there was no need for that kind of money being spent. He explained that he could get all the talent he wanted without spending a dime on advertising. Well, I was certainly open for suggestions. He took meto this place called 'Show World', and I thought 'how perfect.' Anyway, he takes me into a booth where we met Natasha, a lovely girl from the Ukraine, who has agreed to play the part of Margaret Baird in our upcoming reading. And she only wants 20 dollars and a 'gram of H' whatever that is. Billy says it's no probem because he knows where to get 'the best stuff.'
One thing that kind of threw me during the meeting with Natasha, was that she was completely naked during the whole time we were talking, and as we did, she danced and manipulated her genitals. To be honest, I found this a bit embarrassing. I myself do not feel comfortable getting naked in front of other people and as a matter of fact, I don't really like being naked when I'm by myself. So I was actually quite relieved when I noticed that Billy had his pants around his ankles and was manipulating his genitals, you know, in order to make her feel more comfortable, which was a very good thing, because, as I said, she agreed to do the reading. Billy even offered to pay to have the back of my jacket dry cleaned (don't ask.)